There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
