I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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