My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
