Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I came so hard my ears popped.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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