remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
