Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize