Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
