Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
