If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
