I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
