I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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