So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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