can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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