I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
