i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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