My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
