there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
