I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
