Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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