I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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