yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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