I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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