Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Say something about gay babies.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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