fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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