I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
