I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
