i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
