Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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