Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
