she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
