It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
