I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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