I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
