She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
