We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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