Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
