I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
