Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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