Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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