I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
