Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
