My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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