I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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