my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize