Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize