So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
