do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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