I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
