I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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