She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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