I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
