listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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