Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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