are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
