Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
