Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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